SCOTT DETROW, HOST:
The holidays can be a challenging time for people who are grieving loved ones. For NPR’s Life Kit, Julia Furlan talked to grief experts about ways you can support a friend or loved one who’s grieving.
JULIA FURLAN, BYLINE: When a person you love loses somebody they love, it can feel like the stakes could not be higher. And the tension between wanting to support somebody and also not overstep or bother them can make things a little awkward. I talked to Dr. Mekel Harris, who’s a certified grief therapist and author of “Relaxing Into Pain.” She says that supporting a grieving heart is about being a witness.
MEKEL HARRIS: Just to sort of give a tangible example of what witnessing is, just imagine if you and I were out, you know, on a beach. And I look out into the water, and I say, gosh, can you see that in the distance? And you say, Mekel, I can. I can see it, too. And we both sort of marvel at whatever that thing is out there.
FURLAN: If your friend brings up their loss, you may have an instinct to breeze past it, but avoiding the topic doesn’t actually make it go away. Dr. Harris says it’s okay to bring up a loss.
HARRIS: And so it really is important to name the elephant in the room as opposed to sidestep that as a supporter.
FURLAN: Seeing someone in their grief doesn’t mean you have to 100% understand what they’re going through, either. Dr. Harris told me a story of being in Costco with her friend looking at sweaters. And if you’ve grieved somebody, you know this feeling.
HARRIS: I looked over at the sweaters, and I saw the sweater design, and it literally reminded me of something that my dad wore years ago when we traveled to Spain. And I was sort of stunned in the moment and got a little tearful.
FURLAN: Dr. Harris’ friend took the cue and asked about the trip and asked about her dad, and Dr. Harris was able to share in a way that made her feel supported. Now, there was one person I knew I had to call if I was going to talk about grief, my dear friend Avi Wisnia, who lost his dad last year and, in 2012, lost his older brother Dov.
So, technically, I guess that means you’re an expert. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.
(LAUGHTER)
AVI WISNIA: Yeah. That’s a weird thing, to be called an expert in grief, but I get it.
FURLAN: There was something he said that I thought was so important to remember for anyone supporting a grieving person.
WISNIA: You know, like, when you do a physical activity or you’re at work all day or you go on a hike, it takes energy out of you. And it feels like, when you are grieving, you are just sapped of energy, even if you’re not doing anything.
FURLAN: Grief takes energy. So sometimes, instead of a big gesture, it can be helpful to think really small.
WISNIA: My friends got me gift cards when my dad died, you know, like food delivery service. I didn’t even realize that I didn’t have the energy to cook. I didn’t have anything in the house, and it took that task. It made it so much easier.
FURLAN: Dr. Harris mentioned that when you’re in grief, you also might be having to make logistical choices that are just really challenging.
HARRIS: You’re having to make decisions about funeral homes and services and hosting and all these different things, financial decisions – that there’s so much going on that it’s such a gift to literally have a truncated choice.
FURLAN: For example, would you like me to walk your dog, or do you want me to take care of dinner? So they can very easily choose. And if you’re not the kind of friend that has a killer baked ziti, that’s fine. Maybe they need you to come over and play video games or watch reality TV. Whatever it is, stay true to who you are, and if you can take down the recycling on your way out the door, go for it. For NPR’s Life Kit, I’m Julia Furlan.
DETROW: For more Life Kit, you can go to npr.org/lifekit.
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